I'm on the ferry from Chania to Athens. I think it's around 2am here.
There are lots of people sitting around me. Some asleep on the floor in blankets, some nodding back and forth in chairs and some just staring blankly. I wonder what everyone is thinking. I wonder who they are.
I can't help but picture everyone as a child, as the kid they were growing up in whatever life they led. I wonder where they come from, who raised them, who they wanted to be when they grew up, what home was like, what exactly home is or was for them. We all come from somewhere. I find myself wondering about that somewhere more often than not.
I'm constantly captivated by thoughts of her. Sometimes this doesn't even feel real. Where did all of this come from? I can't help but wonder now if there was something in the idea of her that I wanted and needed, or if really my love is as true as it feels. After all what is true love, anyways? I shouldn't doubt that. I don't really. No love that I've had - for any human - has been up for the debate of being true or not. Love is love.
It's an endless game of confusion with me. I"m constantly trying to figure shit out. About my patterns, my actions, my reactions, why it is I do what I do. I don't want to need anyone and I think I am becoming more and more aware of that fear to "need." Needing is scary to me. I'm not talking about asking for help, I'm talking about needing another person...needing another person in order to complete your happiness. That = terrifying. I'm also beginning to clearly see I have some kind of fear to commit. And I have found people and situations that completely nourish my fear. Example: I'm in love with a woman who is married, has a love and a partnership and yet no passion.
I'm doing my best to figure out why life is panning out the way it is, especially in regards to love. Am I really that fucked up?
I'm still growing and I always will be. But now, in this moment and my life, I can actually hear what the voice inside of me is saying. For the first time I feel okay finding out who I really am. Not just how I handle things but what it is that I like, what kind of style I have, what I really think when I look in the mirror. Is it weird to say that sometimes I actually feel beautiful? On the inside. Of course it's not weird to say, or at least I know that would be my response to another person. But coming from my own thoughts just feels...odd.
You can say that again.
There are lots of people sitting around me. Some asleep on the floor in blankets, some nodding back and forth in chairs and some just staring blankly. I wonder what everyone is thinking. I wonder who they are.
I can't help but picture everyone as a child, as the kid they were growing up in whatever life they led. I wonder where they come from, who raised them, who they wanted to be when they grew up, what home was like, what exactly home is or was for them. We all come from somewhere. I find myself wondering about that somewhere more often than not.
I'm constantly captivated by thoughts of her. Sometimes this doesn't even feel real. Where did all of this come from? I can't help but wonder now if there was something in the idea of her that I wanted and needed, or if really my love is as true as it feels. After all what is true love, anyways? I shouldn't doubt that. I don't really. No love that I've had - for any human - has been up for the debate of being true or not. Love is love.
It's an endless game of confusion with me. I"m constantly trying to figure shit out. About my patterns, my actions, my reactions, why it is I do what I do. I don't want to need anyone and I think I am becoming more and more aware of that fear to "need." Needing is scary to me. I'm not talking about asking for help, I'm talking about needing another person...needing another person in order to complete your happiness. That = terrifying. I'm also beginning to clearly see I have some kind of fear to commit. And I have found people and situations that completely nourish my fear. Example: I'm in love with a woman who is married, has a love and a partnership and yet no passion.
I'm doing my best to figure out why life is panning out the way it is, especially in regards to love. Am I really that fucked up?
I'm still growing and I always will be. But now, in this moment and my life, I can actually hear what the voice inside of me is saying. For the first time I feel okay finding out who I really am. Not just how I handle things but what it is that I like, what kind of style I have, what I really think when I look in the mirror. Is it weird to say that sometimes I actually feel beautiful? On the inside. Of course it's not weird to say, or at least I know that would be my response to another person. But coming from my own thoughts just feels...odd.
"'Cause sooner or later in life the things you love, you lose.
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air."
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