I've been crying every day. For awhile I was okay. At least semi-okay. Football just makes things worse. Two more weeks. Having to see someone you don't want to, so consistently, is agonizing. What's worse is that deep down all you really want is to have that particular person nearby.
I'm starting to understand why this love has demolished me so much. She felt like my home. I made her my home. My best friend, my rock, my safety and my homebase. I move so much, I meet people so often and try on different life paths so often. She acted as some kind of glue. She symbolized a lot. She became my family in Boston. I fell in love and I believed and latched on so hard to every word because it felt like it guaranteed safety, a future and a sense of belonging. I found in her what ultimately I want to find in myself.
I feel alone right now. Surrounded by countless amazing people but still so alone in Boston. I invested a sense of family and belonging in another person. I need to invest those feelings within myself and my surroundings. That's what is making this heartache so awful. I feel broken. Broken because yes, I'm sad, but broken because I feel like I don't belong here. Or anywhere. It makes me want to move again. As if my life is out there somewhere waiting for me to find it. I need to find it within myself. I'm just letting go. I'm letting sadness sit and will not miss it when it passes. But I think this time around I need to stay put. Let all the emotions simmer and run their course. Find out what it's like to love myself; to really love myself and feel secure.
At the end of the day, I still miss feeling home. So much.
I'm starting to understand why this love has demolished me so much. She felt like my home. I made her my home. My best friend, my rock, my safety and my homebase. I move so much, I meet people so often and try on different life paths so often. She acted as some kind of glue. She symbolized a lot. She became my family in Boston. I fell in love and I believed and latched on so hard to every word because it felt like it guaranteed safety, a future and a sense of belonging. I found in her what ultimately I want to find in myself.
I feel alone right now. Surrounded by countless amazing people but still so alone in Boston. I invested a sense of family and belonging in another person. I need to invest those feelings within myself and my surroundings. That's what is making this heartache so awful. I feel broken. Broken because yes, I'm sad, but broken because I feel like I don't belong here. Or anywhere. It makes me want to move again. As if my life is out there somewhere waiting for me to find it. I need to find it within myself. I'm just letting go. I'm letting sadness sit and will not miss it when it passes. But I think this time around I need to stay put. Let all the emotions simmer and run their course. Find out what it's like to love myself; to really love myself and feel secure.
At the end of the day, I still miss feeling home. So much.
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