Why am I struggling so much to write? I'm distracted. I don't even know where to begin. It's starting to make sense though - why I take such big chunks of time off from journaling. When I'm not content with where I am in life, I don't want to record it. I don't want to remember that that time existed - no proof. That's really sad. I don't want to be in that place, ever.
I keep thinking about California, about how focused on myself I was. And how much time I took for me; to write, explore my thoughts and who I was discovering myself to be. I haven't done that since I've moved back. And I've been back for almost two years now. Where have my thoughts been going? I haven't allowed myself to hold onto them or make sense of them. Life is so fast here. I constantly feel like the world is spinning so fast and I'm not ever going to catch up.
I know I've written this many times but every time I feel the words flow through my hand into paper, I'm always shocked this is how I feel. I don't hate myself but I do wish that I was a better believer in myself. Where did this self deprecating stigma come from?
I don't have any wander in my life. I don't remember the last time I just walked and wandered through my thoughts. Or sat and stared at the ocean of water, checking in with myself and feeling grounded. I hate the winter for making me long for warmth and freedom to comfortably run around outside.
What is it in me that I need to let go of? I always stop myself from accomplishing something I deem worthwhile. I constantly feel like my words are less important than all of those around me. I need my confidence to change and my self esteem to grow. I feel like I haven't been taking care of myself. In some ways it seems like I've been unintentionally destructive. I don't know why. But I see it now. And that's not how I want it to be. Everything I do or do not do has a direct affect on my body and my well being. I need to start preserving myself. Preserving myself for my own life and my own future. I am always so concerned about others and their future. I know I always will be but I'm finally starting to be concerned for myself, too.
My thoughts are everywhere. I've been a bottle full of tears just waiting to burst. Well, not waiting to burst. Trying not to burst is more like it. The slightest things have made my mouth quiver. I've been sad, rundown, tired and sick. I'm so confused because for the past 6 months I've thought I was happy. Content with my job, loving my friends, my home, my future. Life has been "great" and out of no where it seems like all the while I've been super depressed. I'm only realizing this now because I feel like shit, I look like shit and I don't recognize who I am right now. I've wanted to chase after so many things to feel "successful" about my life and in doing so have steered away from the mindfulness of living in the now and keeping the ability to zoom out and put my life into perspective. I still do every now and then, but it's rare. I feel like I should be happy but I'm not enjoying things. I don't hold confidence the way I have before. I don't smile genuinely and laugh at the top of my lungs. It's actually hard for me to keep in the moment and stay positive. There's always something that my mind finds to pick apart. Always something negative, always pertaining to myself. Enough with the negative thinking. Maybe this is just one of those things you have to commit to kicking -- and absolutely follow through. Okay, I'm done. I'm just going to kick it. I'm climbing out of this darkness and finding the light again. I never want to look back on any part of my life and be disappointed or regretful. This is me making a commitment to myself to put myself first and preserve myself. Starting: now. It's that easy, right?
I keep thinking about California, about how focused on myself I was. And how much time I took for me; to write, explore my thoughts and who I was discovering myself to be. I haven't done that since I've moved back. And I've been back for almost two years now. Where have my thoughts been going? I haven't allowed myself to hold onto them or make sense of them. Life is so fast here. I constantly feel like the world is spinning so fast and I'm not ever going to catch up.
I know I've written this many times but every time I feel the words flow through my hand into paper, I'm always shocked this is how I feel. I don't hate myself but I do wish that I was a better believer in myself. Where did this self deprecating stigma come from?
I don't have any wander in my life. I don't remember the last time I just walked and wandered through my thoughts. Or sat and stared at the ocean of water, checking in with myself and feeling grounded. I hate the winter for making me long for warmth and freedom to comfortably run around outside.
What is it in me that I need to let go of? I always stop myself from accomplishing something I deem worthwhile. I constantly feel like my words are less important than all of those around me. I need my confidence to change and my self esteem to grow. I feel like I haven't been taking care of myself. In some ways it seems like I've been unintentionally destructive. I don't know why. But I see it now. And that's not how I want it to be. Everything I do or do not do has a direct affect on my body and my well being. I need to start preserving myself. Preserving myself for my own life and my own future. I am always so concerned about others and their future. I know I always will be but I'm finally starting to be concerned for myself, too.
My thoughts are everywhere. I've been a bottle full of tears just waiting to burst. Well, not waiting to burst. Trying not to burst is more like it. The slightest things have made my mouth quiver. I've been sad, rundown, tired and sick. I'm so confused because for the past 6 months I've thought I was happy. Content with my job, loving my friends, my home, my future. Life has been "great" and out of no where it seems like all the while I've been super depressed. I'm only realizing this now because I feel like shit, I look like shit and I don't recognize who I am right now. I've wanted to chase after so many things to feel "successful" about my life and in doing so have steered away from the mindfulness of living in the now and keeping the ability to zoom out and put my life into perspective. I still do every now and then, but it's rare. I feel like I should be happy but I'm not enjoying things. I don't hold confidence the way I have before. I don't smile genuinely and laugh at the top of my lungs. It's actually hard for me to keep in the moment and stay positive. There's always something that my mind finds to pick apart. Always something negative, always pertaining to myself. Enough with the negative thinking. Maybe this is just one of those things you have to commit to kicking -- and absolutely follow through. Okay, I'm done. I'm just going to kick it. I'm climbing out of this darkness and finding the light again. I never want to look back on any part of my life and be disappointed or regretful. This is me making a commitment to myself to put myself first and preserve myself. Starting: now. It's that easy, right?
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