Do you think every person that comes into your life has a specific purpose? Do they have a lesson to teach you or a door to open? Maybe one to shut? Is everybody part of the same pattern? Or do certain people and experiences all you to change your direction?
I'm starting to feel like the pattern of people in my life is awful. Which doesn't make all that much sense when I'm always thinking how amazing the people around me are.
What the fuck am I searching for? It's starting to feel less like I'm searching and more like I'm avoiding. I always want to pick up and go. But it's because I can't settle. I can't be stagnant for too long. I want to be out and away...exploring the rest of the world. Right now.
I don't want to wait until later. Later isn't always guaranteed anyways. I feel like picking up to go is not responsible when I think about need a career and a steady life. Why can't I ever buckle down? How did i come this far in fucking up? How have I been writing in this journal for three years and still not finished school? I can't give up before I even start. Sometimes it feels like I already have.
It always feels like I'm the one that's not good enough. As if I always fall short of who I want to be and who others would want. Why am I so afraid of school? What's the hold back? I do not know and I never have. I've always been caught up and it seems like I've never been happy.
I want to stop hating myself. I want to stop feeling like I"m never good enough. I want to know it's possible for me to fall in love...in love with someone who could fall in love with. I want to love the path that I'm on and I want to be proud of myself for going beyond what I ever expected I could do.
I have a lot ahead of me that I want to do. And this time around they're all things I want for me.
I've let my family go. I do not have a love in my life that makes me feel loved. I've never actually felt purely loved in any relationship, which breaks my heart just a little bit. Cry me a river, I know.
I'm just flying solo. Solo without attachment or pressure. I've been letting go of everything. I've always kept the mentality that things are here today and gone tomorrow. That people and situations are always changing rapidly and I was going to "miss something". I'm starting to think this is because my own mind views the world and my life in such a temporary way. I was always afraid to let go and needed the constant reassurance of people. Letting go is inevitable. This is all a blink of an eye.
Something is different now. I haven't been out in months. I have "fallen off the planet" according to certain social circles and I really haven't minded at all. I don't need to drink and I don't need all the distractions. Life is always quality over quantity and my life lately is finally a reflection of it.
I don't want excess and I don't need fillers. As it turns out, I actually quite like living simply.
Three years is a long time to hold the same notebook of thoughts. This journal carried me through my first love, mt first heart break, my first cross country move and the first thoughts that came from my eyes wide open. The emotions and experiences are many on these pages but all my wants and to-do lists have made little progression.
I've finally begun to clear my head and in turn it has naturally began to clear my life...of all the woes and surplus that just survive like parasites feeding off my life in order to survive. They've all become excess now. Shedding layers and shaking the weight from my shoulders is actually allowing me more room to breath. All of that extra breath in my body is actually allowing me to slowly make the changes I've always talked about. I think I'm on the right track after all. My own track. I had a lot to shed before I could actually fly away. And now, now it's time to fly.
I'm starting to feel like the pattern of people in my life is awful. Which doesn't make all that much sense when I'm always thinking how amazing the people around me are.
What the fuck am I searching for? It's starting to feel less like I'm searching and more like I'm avoiding. I always want to pick up and go. But it's because I can't settle. I can't be stagnant for too long. I want to be out and away...exploring the rest of the world. Right now.
I don't want to wait until later. Later isn't always guaranteed anyways. I feel like picking up to go is not responsible when I think about need a career and a steady life. Why can't I ever buckle down? How did i come this far in fucking up? How have I been writing in this journal for three years and still not finished school? I can't give up before I even start. Sometimes it feels like I already have.
It always feels like I'm the one that's not good enough. As if I always fall short of who I want to be and who others would want. Why am I so afraid of school? What's the hold back? I do not know and I never have. I've always been caught up and it seems like I've never been happy.
I want to stop hating myself. I want to stop feeling like I"m never good enough. I want to know it's possible for me to fall in love...in love with someone who could fall in love with. I want to love the path that I'm on and I want to be proud of myself for going beyond what I ever expected I could do.
I have a lot ahead of me that I want to do. And this time around they're all things I want for me.
I've let my family go. I do not have a love in my life that makes me feel loved. I've never actually felt purely loved in any relationship, which breaks my heart just a little bit. Cry me a river, I know.
I'm just flying solo. Solo without attachment or pressure. I've been letting go of everything. I've always kept the mentality that things are here today and gone tomorrow. That people and situations are always changing rapidly and I was going to "miss something". I'm starting to think this is because my own mind views the world and my life in such a temporary way. I was always afraid to let go and needed the constant reassurance of people. Letting go is inevitable. This is all a blink of an eye.
Something is different now. I haven't been out in months. I have "fallen off the planet" according to certain social circles and I really haven't minded at all. I don't need to drink and I don't need all the distractions. Life is always quality over quantity and my life lately is finally a reflection of it.
I don't want excess and I don't need fillers. As it turns out, I actually quite like living simply.
Three years is a long time to hold the same notebook of thoughts. This journal carried me through my first love, mt first heart break, my first cross country move and the first thoughts that came from my eyes wide open. The emotions and experiences are many on these pages but all my wants and to-do lists have made little progression.
I've finally begun to clear my head and in turn it has naturally began to clear my life...of all the woes and surplus that just survive like parasites feeding off my life in order to survive. They've all become excess now. Shedding layers and shaking the weight from my shoulders is actually allowing me more room to breath. All of that extra breath in my body is actually allowing me to slowly make the changes I've always talked about. I think I'm on the right track after all. My own track. I had a lot to shed before I could actually fly away. And now, now it's time to fly.
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