I need this to become a regular habit. Every time I feel like things are spinning too fast it's because I've lost any grasp on spending time with myself.
I want to get away. Not to move, not to pick up and start all over...just to get away. Every year seems to be a huge turning point and has been consistently different from the last. It's a bit frightening at times. And when my head is most clear and focused it's when I'm alone. Maybe that's the scary part for me. I look at others with such envy sometimes; at lasting love or dependence you can truly count on. I know I'm young. I'm also not hopeless. But sometimes there is this pit in my stomach with a thousand arms reaching out. Everyone wants to love and be loved; I am certainly no exception. It seems as if the pen only flows on paper for me when it's about my heart. Not always, but often. I'm continuously trying to swallow the relationship I have with my family and only become more and more removed. It's for the better, this I can trust. But sometimes I think that's the root of all my heartache - it's not always about one specific person. It's usually about me and where I come from, in addition to where I am going.
I think at times I get so caught up in the big picture that I forget the steps I'm taking only have life if I am living them in the moment.
I'm sick of to-do lists. I'm sick of consistently thinking I'm not good enough or there are more faults than good to who I am. Deep, deep down, tucked away somewhere that never see's light, I know that these things are not true. I'm just not so sure how to take control of them yet. This is where the lonely sets in. I bottle so much up and expect myself to be a master of all trades, including being my own therapist and fixing any struggle I might be feeling stuck on.
I'm an open person but I don't actually open up very often. And when I do, I get distracted and I loose focus on me. I suppose when I finally meet and open up to the right person, I wont lose focus, huh? In the end it all seems to be about survival. We really can't take our lives too serious, can we? I guess we should just love as much as can and to as many people as we can. It's not all reserved for one person.
I want to get away. Not to move, not to pick up and start all over...just to get away. Every year seems to be a huge turning point and has been consistently different from the last. It's a bit frightening at times. And when my head is most clear and focused it's when I'm alone. Maybe that's the scary part for me. I look at others with such envy sometimes; at lasting love or dependence you can truly count on. I know I'm young. I'm also not hopeless. But sometimes there is this pit in my stomach with a thousand arms reaching out. Everyone wants to love and be loved; I am certainly no exception. It seems as if the pen only flows on paper for me when it's about my heart. Not always, but often. I'm continuously trying to swallow the relationship I have with my family and only become more and more removed. It's for the better, this I can trust. But sometimes I think that's the root of all my heartache - it's not always about one specific person. It's usually about me and where I come from, in addition to where I am going.
I think at times I get so caught up in the big picture that I forget the steps I'm taking only have life if I am living them in the moment.
I'm sick of to-do lists. I'm sick of consistently thinking I'm not good enough or there are more faults than good to who I am. Deep, deep down, tucked away somewhere that never see's light, I know that these things are not true. I'm just not so sure how to take control of them yet. This is where the lonely sets in. I bottle so much up and expect myself to be a master of all trades, including being my own therapist and fixing any struggle I might be feeling stuck on.
I'm an open person but I don't actually open up very often. And when I do, I get distracted and I loose focus on me. I suppose when I finally meet and open up to the right person, I wont lose focus, huh? In the end it all seems to be about survival. We really can't take our lives too serious, can we? I guess we should just love as much as can and to as many people as we can. It's not all reserved for one person.
No comments:
Post a Comment